I first wrote this on Dec 13, but was not willing to publish it until now, for fear no one who knows me will ever vist me again. But I have since redeemed myself and was able so successfully bake proper sugar cookies a few days later, with all new ingredients. Too bad you missed them, they were awesome!

I agreed, several weeks ago, to make 3 dozen home made cookies for my son's elementary school teacher's lounge, today. I have not attended a PTA meeting in over 3 years, but I'm on their email list and figured I could agree to that simple request.

So yes, in theory I had about 2 weeks to make these cookies. But of course I waited until last night.

I've followed the sugar cookie instructions in my Betty Crocker cook book before, about 2 years ago, and they came out OK.

My first clue that I don't actually use the raw ingrediants in my cupboard often enough to know whether or not they're fresh right now, should have been when I found the little bottle of vanilla extract...and it was crystalized inside the bottle. But I found another one that was still liquid, and just kept going.

I also now noticed in the recipe, and now remembered from before, the part that says, store this batter in the refrigerator for at least 3 hours before cutting and baking. But it seems to me last time I got away with ignoring that part, so i decided to ignore that part too.

Now it asked for almond extract. I actually have no idea how two little bottles labelled vanilla extract ended up in my cupboard. I sure didn't buy them. And, no, of course I don't own any almond extract. Who on earth does?

Then i got out my 10 pound, toaster-sized, bag of flour, figure the remaining amount looks like what the recipe calls for, so I dump it upside down in the bowl.

Isn't flour supposed to all be white?

Why are there some brown flecks in there, about the size of a half a grain of rice?

And why are some of them squirming? And have legs?

Oh crap!

I not only thow the batter away, I throw the whole bowl away. I never want to see it again. And not in the regular garbage can, the one outside!

So I go to the grocery store and buy some ready made sugar cookie dough in a tube. I also checked the baking aisle for almond extract to make sure there is such a thing. I suspect that if I were the kind of person who owned a recently purchased bottle of almond extract, this kind of thing would never happen to me. The shelf had the label for where almond extract would be, but that section of the shelf was empty. Almond extract not only exists, but apparently it's a hot commodity and doesn't stay on the shelf long. Everyone else in my neighborhood must have it, except for just me.


I lay out waxed paper on my cutting board, even though my last batter was in a bowl on the cutting board, and not directly on the cutting board, I'm extremely paranoid now. I use a roller that I inspect first to make sure it is bug free, and I roll out the dough.

I select a snow man shaped cookie cutter, press....and he won't come off the waxed paper without tearing apart! My husband says I have to flour the waxed paper to make the dough not stick to it, but I wretch at the word flour. Flour is banned until further notice. Possibly forever.

So I work something out where I cut out a snowman, move the waxed paper over the edge of the cutting board so maybe I can peel it off the back of the snowman and put it on my cookie sheet, I'm up to three now, and it's about 9:00 at night. Only 32 more of these to go, right? Plus my kids are still up. They want to put the white cake frosting on, and use the jar of sprinkles.

So I'm up to snowman number three. And why is there another brown guy, imbedded in the rolled out dough, fighting for his life in there??What did I do wrong this time? What part of waxed paper do these guys not understand ? Does waxed paper not cure all ills? Am I imagining all this?

The store bought dough, the waxed paper ,and the snowmen already on the cookie sheet , lined with tin foil, and also the tin foil itself, go in the outside garbage with the first set of dough.

At about 9:30 at night, I drive past the first grocery store, to a different one, father away. I'm too embarrassed to go back in there where I just bought a tube of dough less than 1/2 hour ago, and buy store bought cookies, just in case someone puts together that I can't handle the gateway drug of store bought cookie dough and must now move on to the hard stuff of packaged bakery cookies, and come to the logical and correct conclusion that I need my house covered by one of those circus tent shaped tarps, and my kitchen fumigated by professionals wearing biohazard suits.

I move the bag of store bought cookies directly from my trunk in to my husband's because he drops our son off at school in the morning, and has to deliver the cookies. I need to be confident that those cookies that will be consumed by my son's amazing teachers did not even pass through my kitchen. The email from the PTA lady specified that the PTA wanted to deliver home made cookies to them, not "packaged" but in my opinion they have no idea what a bullet they all just dodged.

PS . Don't come over.