Funny email going around the office:
ATTENTION EMPLOYEES NEW COMPANY RULES
SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything.
We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time each year. The vacation days are as follow: Jan.1, July 4 and Dec. 25.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late
afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.
OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice; as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees
whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with "B" will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on.
If you are unable to go at the allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies
employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict
3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
LUNCH BREAKS:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy; normal sized people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a
balanced meal to maintain the average figure; fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all they need to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing $350.00 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600.00 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and, therefore, you do not need a raise.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations contemplations, consternations or input, should be directed elsewhere.
HAVE A NICE WEEK!